Do a quick search online and you will no doubt be inundated with articles offering tips on how to get him back “guaranteed” or “for good”. It’s actually pretty worrying to see so many, so called, dating experts over social media dishing out advice on ways to win over an ex. Before you start masterminding a plot to bring him back into your life, consider these three things:
1. People are not prizes.
The problem lies with the idea of “winning” someone back. That doesn’t mean that two adults, who both care about one another, can't mutually decide to invest in trying again. After all, every relationship faces problems that require patience, understanding and a large dose of hard work. But don't be tempted to confuse the two and overlook the fact that if you have to try and “win” anybody over, its ultimately doomed to fail.
Healthy relationships only work if both parties are devoted to make them so. If your ex has decided that they are not, then all you can do is call upon your self worth to move forward. You need to realize that desperate attempts at any short-term fix by regaining their interest is always, in the long run, pointless and painful. Start with believing you are better than that.
2. Heartbreak can distort the truth.
In the time after a break up, you are often thinking in an unhealthy frame of mind. As reported in Scientific American, neuroimaging studies have shown that when we face any kind of rejection, it triggers the same regions in the brain as physical pain. Research has also proved that break-ups trigger grief, although we didn’t really need a scientist to tell us that!
Brain imaging carried out on grieving people displayed neuron changes to not only their mood but also their perception, memory, conceptualization and even how the heart, digestive system and other organs are regulated. Bottom line: you’re not functioning at your best. In an attempt to avoid the suffering you are feeling at this time, you are more likely to take action that is not in your long term best interest.
3. What is really going to change?
We all deeply want to believe in a magic formula for falling back in love. Yet, just like all those ‘lose weight overnight’ or ‘get rich quick’ schemes, in reality there is no shortcut. The suggestion that there could be a one size fits all approach to mending a relationship is quite frankly insulting to our intelligence. Making someone jealous, ignoring them to spark some interest, undergoing a makeover...or any other form of subtle, or not so subtle, emotional manipulation is just game playing. Love is not a game.
After the initial battle of winning them back is over, then what in reality has changed? All of the fears, doubts and personality problems that existed in your relationship will still be there. They may be temporarily masked by a few re-ignited flames, but they are most likely to resurface. When they do, it means more heartbreak and uncertainty for you both again.
Committed relationships deserve just that: a commitment. Only you can answer the question of whether your partnership is worthy of the hard work involved in making it successful. Yet either way, if your ex isn’t capable of returning without coaxing or coercing, then you should always let him go rather than try to get him back.